My Name Is Sai
by Atakiri Mizuyuki
Summary: Slight AU After the anime ended, Sai went home with Yako to be brought back as a normal human. But can he do it? Or will the ever-lurking uncertainty of his composition come back to haunt him? Journal, NO ROMANCE, Dark, Spoilers for the anime
1. Entry 1 : Sai

Note: This goes off of the anime's canon, because I don't like the manga canon for Sai. :/ I WOULD rant about how pissed off I am about it (I read it on Wikipedia, LOLLLLL) but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. Just know that I am REALLY UNHAPPY. I like this version a lot more. A LOT more.

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Entry 1

..1 Week

Hi there. My name is Sai. I don't really know why I have this journal—I guess because Yako-nee told me I should. See, I lost my memories. All of them. I didn't even know who I was or what my name was. But Yako-nee was there when I woke up, and she helped tell me who I am.

Yako-nee is my big sister, and one of the most famous detectives in the world. I'm still not sure what a detective is, but it's really, really neat to have a big sister who's famous all around the world for something. I think. I mean… I don't really have a lot of background to go off of.

Oh… I just asked Yako-nee what I should put in this thing, and she says what I look like would be helpful. So… I guess I'm Yako-nee's height… 5' 5" maybe? And my hair is really light, a sort of purpley-gray. Mostly white though. Or light gray. It's hard to decide. My hair is short but longer than Yako-nee's, and it has a little bit of volume. Um… I have two braids on either side of my face, really thin little ones. I have… a cute face? I don't know.

I sleep on the couch in the big front room of Yako-nee's apartment. It's not like she didn't try to give me a room, but it just felt so claustrophobic. I don't like being in boxes. The big room in the apartment is all I can stand.

My favorite part of the house is definitely the window—the world looks so big out there. The more I stare out the window, the more closed-in this box feels. But Yako-nee doesn't want to take me outside; she says that I just lost my memories; I should stay safe indoors. I really like Yako-nee; she's really nice to me, and she cares about me. So I do what she says. Like this journal. I don't want to write in it, but Yako-nee said I should, so I will.

This journal… I can't help but feel suspicious of it. One of Yako-nee's reasons for why I should keep this journal is that so, no matter what, even if I lose my memories again, I'll always have this record of my time and feelings and thoughts and whatever other drivel Yako-nee said. Sorry, I shouldn't call what Yako-nee says drivel—she's just trying to do the best for me. But… I just lost my memories a week ago—it's unlikely that it'll happen again, isn't it? I mean, people don't lose their memories all the time, do they? Although… the only people I know are Yako-nee and the people I see on the TV. So how would I know…

Oh, it's time for dinner. I guess I'd better go before Yako-nee eats it all. Again. It seems kind of funny to me that, although Yako-nee can eat more food than ten people combined, she's a vegetarian. Oh well. Good bye.


	2. Entry 2 : Anatomy

Entry 2

..3 Weeks

Hello again. It's been a little while. Yako-nee found out I had been skipping out on the journal and got mad at me. I guess I need to write in this more often. I want Yako-nee to be happy.

The days are pretty boring, most of the time. Early in the morning Yako-nee needs to wake up and eat a small breakfast—ten eggs, five pancakes and enough bacon to choke a horse (I've never actually seen a horse before, but I heard this phrase on the television and thought I would try it out)—and then run off to this place called "school" where she learns things. I asked her if I could follow her at first, but she kept saying that I should stay here and so I gave up on it. Instead I watch TV and wait for Yako-nee to come back. There's never anything on that interests me, but I don't complain to Yako-nee—she's taking care of me, and doesn't need me to complain. She's always so frazzled about homework and solving mysteries and some guy named Neuro anyway. Neuro… I feel weird whenever she says that name. I don't know why, or even how to explain it, but I feel… strange. This "Neuro" guy… I want to meet him.

When Yako-nee comes home she starts on homework—as long as "Neuro" hasn't pulled her away for a mystery first. Her homework is interesting, but at the same time boring. Things like Japanese (which I don't really know why they teach because anyone Yako-nee's age should be able to speak Japanese pretty fluently), or Math (which I find very annoying and I can easily live without), English (which is always fun because my pronunciation is so much better than Yako-nee's and I know some words even she doesn't know), and the like. Yako-nee tries to teach me her homework while she does it, but I'm really not interested, so I just sit there and nod and glance at the textbooks, recognizing that I already know whatever it is I'm reading. I wonder how I know all this—and how Yako-nee doesn't know that I know. How well can she know me if she doesn't even know that?

We cover everything Yako-nee learns in school, and then she starts making dinner for us—or "Neuro" pulls her away for a mystery. I hate "Neuro" for that—I never know when I'm going to see Yako-nee or how long I get to be with her.

After dinner I sit on my couch and Yako-nee and I will just talk; I have a habit of staring up at the ceiling while we discuss things. Yako-nee doesn't seem to mind. She's usually always so happy and full of things to talk about, I don't mind just listening. Sometimes lately I've been tuning her out, but I don't mean to. I really like anything Yako-nee likes, and I try to pay attention. But sometimes I just can't.

After we're done talking, Yako will wish me a good night and go to her room to sleep or do other things. I don't really know what. Sometimes I hear her on the phone with people, but I never know what's going on.

One time I asked Yako-nee about "anatomy" while she was busy ranting about her latest mystery and how creepy the guy had looked before he turned ugly as Neuro denounced his plan. Usually such things like my questions can't even put a dent in my sister's tirade, but this one brought her to a solid stop.

It was really weird; it was as if her blood had frozen completely solid in her body, making her rigid. For a moment I wondered if her blood really had frozen—and what blood looked like; I'd never seen blood before, except on TV. Was it really just some red-colored water? She suddenly started talking, but her voice was that shaky, embarrassed laugh I've heard her use when I comment on an interview of her I saw on the television.

"Where'd you hear that?" she asked, still laughing nervously. I cocked my head to one side, my light purple eyes gazing at her. She seemed to grow even more nervous, something I didn't like. Why would she be nervous? Was she lying to me about something?

"I overheard you on the phone with your friend," I said, dragging my finger in meaningless circles on the couch fabric. "You were talking about your anatomy homework. But we've never done anatomy homework. What it is it?" She laughed nervously again and started to stand up. Her phone rang and she quickly answered it; in a second she hung up and looked apologetically at me.

"Sorry, but Neuro says there's a mystery I have to go solve!" she said apologetically. She waved at me and then ran out the door. I frowned after her. I could have stopped her if I wanted to. It wouldn't have been much of a hassle for her—Neuro hadn't really called. I'd seen her fumbling with her phone, trying to make it ring. What was it about "anatomy" that she was hiding from me? What did she not want me to know? "Anatomy". It's a strange word. What does it mean? It sounds like "monotony". "Monotony" is what my life is—the same thing, over and over, until you get bored of it. So is "anatomy" the opposite of "monotony"? Yako-nee wants to protect me from having a life that's different everyday?

No. I don't think that's right. I think I'm looking at that word the wrong way. But what is it…? What could it mean? "Anatomy". "Anatomy". What could be so terrible about "anatomy"? What doesn't she want me to know?

What could it mean to me?


	3. Entry 3 : Outside

Entry 3

..1 Month

I finally left the house today. I was really happy to be outside, taking everything in. The world is so… big. It's not like a box at all—it's really amazing! The ceiling (oh—Yako-nee's corrected me and told me it's called the "sky". That's a really pretty word for such a pretty thing) is so high up—I don't think you could ever touch it. I'd really like to one day, though. To be able to feel the sky…

There were so many people, too! It was amazing. I'd never seen so many human beings in one place before. It was so strange… But why didn't I feel like I belonged with them? I saw them, but didn't notice their faces. Who were they? Why couldn't I see them?


	4. Entry 4 : Neuro

Entry 4

.. 1 Month 1 Week

I met some new people today; Yako-nee took me to her detective agency, and I met the people she worked with. I could see their faces, which seemed strange to me. I couldn't see anyone else just a week ago, but I could see them. I wonder why. Why couldn't I see the other humans, but I can see these people?

The first person I met was an irritable guy named Godai, who I first saw yelling at someone else. He seemed really angry, with super-short dyed-blonde hair and lip rings and a red shirt that hurt my eyes. When we walked in he turned around to snap at Yako-nee and saw me. It was strange how he acted; his whole body seemed to freeze and he looked scared. After a bunch of stuttering I couldn't make out, he suddenly pushed past Yako-nee and left the room, shouting something about investigating over his shoulder.

He seems like a really uninteresting person. Hm… I can't remember his face right now beyond the blonde hair and lip rings. I'll have to try and remember next time. Not that I care if I remember, really; I just know it'll make Yako-nee happy.

But then I met Neuro.

His face had been totally blank, like an idiot, while Godai yelled at him, but when he saw me… His eyes narrowed and I could tell that he wasn't any kind of an idiot—I could sense strength and intelligence from him unrivaled by anyone else I had ever been around. It made me feel strange—like I wanted to withdraw from it, be cowed by it, but at the same time jump head first into that strength and claw my way through until I was on top. Neuro was interesting.

"Ah, Yako-sensei!" he said, the sudden power vanishing like mist. I couldn't help but blink in surprise. Gone, present, gone. Neuro was amazing. To be able to hide his power so perfectly… Neuro was very interesting. "Who's this you've brought with you today?" He stood up, showing off an electric blue suit with triangle buttons. Neuro was certainly unlike anyone I had ever seen, what with his blonde hair that looked natural and purple bangs, but that excited me too. Neuro wasn't like anything I'd ever seen. He was different. He stood out from the other useless human rabble I'd seen on the streets and through the window and on the television. I have to know more about Neuro. I want to learn everything about him there is to know—what makes him so different?

"Ah, Neuro, this is my little brother Sai!" Yako said, with that voice that said she was acting. I didn't mind though—instead it made me more excited. Neuro knew who I was then. Neuro knew more about me than I knew about him, and that meant that knowing him would be a challenge.

I want to learn everything about you, Neuro. Who are you? What are you? Why do I feel more kinship between you and me than I do with my own sister?

"Sai, huh?" he repeated, looking at me. The powerful feeling came back, and he glared at me with a smile on his face that can only be described as evil. His eyes glowed in rings, and his teeth weren't like a human's anymore—they were pointed and separated, like a shark but with fewer teeth. I didn't know why he felt this malicious air towards me, but I found myself smiling back the exact same way.

I've never been so excited in my life, Neuro. It's a pleasure to meet you.


	5. Entry 5 : I Am Not Human

Entry 5

.. 2 Months 1 Week

What am I? I'm not human… So what I could be?

I learned something today, something about myself, something I should have known and that is vitally important. What am I? What am I?

I was making faces in the mirror while Yako-nee was at school. I do that sometimes, when I grow truly bored. I'll copy the expressions of people I see on the TV, or the blank expressions Neuro wears, in the mirror, learning how they feel, laughing at their ludicrousness. But something happened today, something truly different.

I was copying the face Yako-nee wears when Neuro surprises her, or says something that she wasn't expecting. Her eyes bug out of her head and she makes the most ridiculous expression. I could see it so clearly in my head, the exact way her face looked. I focused on that image, trying to copy every nuance of the expression that I could. I wanted to make Yako-nee laugh when she got home.

But when I looked in the mirror, it was Yako-nee who stared back at me.

I didn't just have her expression, I had her face, and her hair. Yako-nee's head was sitting on my body. In a moment I turned back into myself, my empty, stunned expression back on my face. I tried it with Godai, who always left whenever I entered the agency; he stared back at me from the mirror. I tried it with random people I had seen on the street, people I had seen on the television. My face went so easily between them all… male, female, child, adult. I changed my body, too, and found that it was as easy as my face and came as naturally as breathing. I was a hobbled old man in the boy Sai's pajamas; I was the glorious young singer Aya Aijia, who had been convicted of murder and caught in her plans by my own sister. I became her, looked at the way my pajamas sat on her body, how even the grinning, toothy hair-clips pulled my hair back. I turned back into myself, stared at myself.

The shock was over, and so was my confusion.

My arm burst into spikes, long ivory-yellow claws curled from my knuckles, my teeth grew long and sharp. It was easy. So easy. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew exactly how to make my body take the shape I imagined, how my body moved its constantly metamorphisizing cells into the shapes I willed. It was so natural, like breathing. More natural. This was how I was.

I turned back into myself and with excitement started to think over what I would tell Yako-nee when she came back, when I showed her what I could do. She would be so happy for me!

But I suddenly stopped, and thought. I had seen Yako-nee go out for a mystery before in disguise. She had had to use Akane to make her hair longer, and temporary dye that Akane had first objected very firmly to. They had used makeup in a way that she hardly looked like my sister anymore. If Yako-nee could transform like this, too, why would she go through the effort of makeup and dye and Akane? Why would any of the people on the TV go through plastic surgery, or get their hair cut, or have hair extensions, or go to tanning booths, or wear masks if they could simply change their bodies?

It was because they couldn't. I realized it quickly, but it still crashed down on me and seemed to shatter my world. Humans couldn't change their shape and appearance so easily. Humans couldn't turn themselves into others with the slightest whim, or change their hair color as quickly as they blinked. This wasn't a human trait. But I had it? Then that meant I wasn't human.

I'm not human? But I feel like it…I look like it. I have two eyes, two ears, a mouth, a nose, arms, legs, a head. I was human, wasn't I?! I am, aren't I?! Human… I've lived so long thinking I'm human, knowing I'm human, aren't I human?! If I'm not human, then what could I possibly be?! What else is there?!

I looked at the mirror, my mind reeling with tortured images and thoughts. Yako-nee… Yako-nee, does she know? Know that I'm not human, that I'm not like everyone else? That I may not be like anyone else?

What am I? What am I that I can do this, that I'm not like the other humans? Why am I this way? What made me this way? Can anyone else do this, or is it just me? Am I the only kind of my kind in the world?

No, that can't possibly be true. I can't be something else, I can't be something that has never been before. I must be something. I must… but what? What could I possibly be that I don't know?

I looked in the mirror, and for a moment Neuro flashed before my eyes, the sharp, pointed teeth, the cruel, glowing eyes. I stared in the mirror and waited for him to appear. But it was still Sai who stared back at me. Sai, this… thing. I tried again and again, until I fell to my knees screaming at my cells. Neuro…what are you that I can't become you? What are you that I can't become what you are? I can turn into any human being I've ever seen—I know, I've tested it. Every face I couldn't see on the street, every commercial spokes-lady or pathetic actor, every criminal that's walked through the doors of the detective agency with the false ploy of employing you. Everyone. Every single human bein—

That's it, isn't it?! You aren't a human, are you Neuro? You look like one, but you aren't. You aren't a human, you're like me, aren't you? No… maybe not exactly. But we're different, aren't we? We can be different together, can't we? Neuro… you know what I am, don't you? You must! You know everything—you've solved every mystery, devoured the energy of every human who has done something and thought they could get away with it. I've seen them, how empty they are after they confront you, how they can't get the name "Neuro" off their lips afterwards. Neuro, what do you do to them? You aren't human either, are you?

But what makes a human? What is a human all about, anyway? Is it their bodies, this foolish thing I can change so easily? What makes a human a human, what makes a human realize that that is what they are? Is it what's in their body?

What does a human body look like, anyway? Without thinking I turned my finger into a knife and slit my chest, showing pulsing red muscle and the sharp contrast of my white ribs. These cells… these cells that always change, are they human? Blood splashed from the wound and poured onto the floor in great gushes, glistening against the tiles of the bathroom. Is that human blood? Or the blood of something else? How can I test it, how can I prove it? What does blood look like? Blood that isn't mine, blood that doesn't come from whatever I am. Blood, these muscles, this bone. Are all muscles this red color, with these fibers showing? How about bone, is it always white, like this?

What does Yako-nee look like without her skin? Or Godai? Or any of hte people on the street, those people that call themselves "humans"? What are they? What are they made of, what do they look like inside? Who can I ask? Humans…. What is a human?


	6. Entry 6 : Traffic Accident

Entry 6

.. 3 Months

I almost got to see what a human looks like today. Yako-nee and I were walking through an intersection in town. I looked like her best friend, who she had shown me pictures of. I told Yako-nee about my ability a week ago—I couldn't bear to be by myself in this when I trusted Yako and hoped she would help me find out what I was. She had seemed shocked, but accepted it quickly. Could I do this before my memories were lost? It must be. How else could she come to terms with it so easily?

She had said that from now when we left the apartment I should change into someone else, anyone else but myself. Why? Why can't I be myself? I asked her, taking her by surprise, but she said it was best this way. "Best this way"? Since when does she know what's best to me? Does she know me better than I know myself? Does she know that I sneak into her room, watch her sleep, while trying to think what a human is and what makes her a human? No, she doesn't. What on earth can she possibly now?

Oh… sister, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I wrote. I shouldn't have thought that. You're always taking care of me, aren't you? I know you are. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…

It had happened really suddenly at that intersection. The light had stopped blinking, and Yako-nee and I reached the other side and were about to go on when I noticed a commotion up ahead; out of hte corner of my eye I spotted a car swerving madly, its driver drunk, and a young woman running into the middle of the road before she looked. I could see it before anyone else did, that the two were going to meet in a kiss of eternal sleep.

The screams of the witnesses sounded just like the screams of the tires as the rubber pushed against the road and the road pushed against the metal of the car. In a moment the woman had gone from human to pudddle. The metal bumper of the car had carved her in half, slitting her stomach up to her chest, showing red underneath. Blood pooled about her in a flood, leaking from every wound, every orifice, every opening in the skin. Her skull had been fractured and the skin torn, and liquid oozed out from the jagged edges of smiling skull around the back of her head.

The chaos on the sidewalks was worse than the chaos in the street; humans screaming and flapping their arms and trying to figure out exactly what had happened. They had all seen it, hadn't they? The car come screaming down the road, the stupid woman running into the middle of the street like the world had to stop for her, the car finally stopping by using her body as a brake. What was there to learn?

I looked at the human again, looked at the blood. Human blood. And there it was. The answer to my questions—there was a human, split open right in front of me, her cells on display as if the higher powers had given me a gift. I tried to walk towards the body, but Yako stopped me. She said we needed to go. I argued, and he stated to fight, almost breaking out into a scuffle.

Move, Yako, why won't you move?! Let me see the body—what is a human, finally I might have the answer!

Out of nowhere Neuro appeared beside us and remarked in the serious, powerful tone I had come to know was his true self that there was no smell of mystery about this crime, and that we shouldn't waste our time there. Yako-nee looked more surprised by Neuro's appearance than the accident, but I ignored them both. I wanted to see the body. I wanted to see that woman's cells, that human's cells. Maybe the answer to what I am is in there, hidden in code, in its structure, in its DNA. What am I, what is it, over there? This human being, what makes it human, what makes me not human? The answer is right there, like a cheat-sheet. Let me see it, why can't I get close enough just to dip my fingers in that blood, see the cells, feel the structure and base of all life swirling through my fingers, so different from my own. Or are they the same? Similar? Me and them, what is it, what is that difference?

But Neuro wouldn't let me—his hand clamped onto my shoulder, his fingers beginning to sink into the muscle. But I didn't care. That human, just laying there, I want to see!

I tried to pull my way through Neuro's fingers; I could feel my muscle stretching and tearing and screaming as his fingers went through my shoulder, claws raking furrows through my flesh. But I didn't care—I could stand any amount of pain, any amount of damage. There was a human right before me, I wanted to see it!

But Neuro plunged his hand into my chest, the sudden claws on his hands curling around my ribs like fingers through chain-link fence. I coughed at the pain, blood on my breath, and he smiled at me, that same sweet, evil smile that promised destruction and sleep.

"It looks like our little brother here isn't feeling too well," he said to Yako as if she wasn't panicking at the claws curling around my ribcage. Neuro… you did know, didn't you? You knew this whole time I could change, didn't you? How long, Neuro? How long have you known? You really are amazing, Neuro. "We should head back," he decided and he pulled me along, my muscle and bone screaming at Neuro's pull. As he dragged me away from the scene of that woman's death, the museum of cells of that woman's body, my mind was torn in half—one side screaming in pain and misery that I would miss what this human looked like, the other side excited to the point of acute agony that Neuro knew even more about me than I had thought and that his hand had changed from something like Yako-nee's, like a human's, into something red and long and clawed. Neuro, you are like me, aren't you? If not like me, then different like I am different, right? Neuro, I can't wait to learn everything about you there is to learn. I want to see your cells, too.


	7. Entry 7 : The Human Body

*laughs * Sai is fun to write for, though a little unpleasant. For one thing, he's crazy, and filled with hate and bloodlust. Which makes him a hell of a lot of fun to write, but he is one of the characters who, when I write as, makes me want to scream. Have you ever tried to truly delve into the mind of a character? It isn't too bad until you get to a part where they're going crazy or having an emotional attack. This and Entry 6 were that kind of part.

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Entry 7

.. 3 Months 1 Week

Yako has started teaching me anatomy. It's the study of the human body. How did she know? How did she know that she should hide this from me? Why did she hide this from me? Maybe if she hadn't, I wouldn't be like this. So confused, so desperate.

But these text-book lessons aren't enough for me. It's not the same. They have pictures of cells, little 3-D models that are the size of your palm and completely inaccurate. These silly lessons aren't good enough for me, don't cover what I need to know. These don't show what makes a human. There is nothing in here of what makes a human a human. Yes, it shows their body, but it lacks the essence. The essence of a human being… These aren't enough. I've scoured every text-book she's brought, memorized every word, found that many of them I'd already read. These don't tell me what humans are. These aren't enough.

I can't stand this! What am I, really? I know what I'm supposed to be. Supposed to be… I'm supposed to be human, right? Yako treats me like I am. Yako. What a joke. She's never known anything about me, has she? She doesn't know how this is tearing me apart, this hate fills my heart and makes me want to screaming. WHAT AM I?! WHY CAN EVERYONE BUT ME KNOW, BE HAPPY IN THAT KNOWING?! WHAT AM I THAT DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I AM?! I AM NOT HUMAN, BUT THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN BE. WHAT AM I?! WHAT AM I?!

My only consolence is Neuro, in his very existence. He's always there, always watching over my shoulder when Yako tries to teach me trivial facts I already know, have always known. Lungs, heart, liver, kidneys, brain… I know all of these, know their structure, know them inside and out, their specifics. But it's not enough. I still don't know what a human is, what their cells show in their structure in their DNA in every part of them that is them. Even those cells know what I am when I don't! Neuro is always there, always watching, even when Yako doesn't know it. He's always there, watching, watching. Waiting? Waiting for what? What could he be waiting for? For me to go crazy, for me to have a breakthrough? I'm already losing my mind—I lost myself a long time ago. No… I don't think I ever had a self.

If I don't know what I am, how can I possibly know who I am? Hhow can I possibly have an identity without a species? What makes me me? Am I me? What is it that humans are? They attach themselves to such foolish, superficial things—like their faces, or their names, or their personalities. But what am I? Is Sai my name? Was it what I was born with? Does taht matter? Is the name the title given to someone by their parents when they are born, or can I name be just as true if they bestowed it upon themselves? Does a person change when they change their name? Does the previous person die, only to be repaced by a new person, a new identity. A face… Is it the same person if it always changes? What does that say aobut me, who changes as often as he breahts? Who am I? How will I ever know?

I can't take it anymore, and I've decided. I went out tonight, while Yako was sleeping. I snuck out through the window, ran down the streets. I leapt ten feet into the air and crushed my body through narrow gaps even the slenderest of children couldn't fit through. What am I? I'm not human, what does it matter? What am I?!

I was at a house. I don't know where, or how far it was from Yako-nee's house. I don't know how I got there, how I chose this one. But I went inside, shattering a window with my fist and ignoring the glint of glass caught in the lacerations in my hand, as my blood dripped over the frame and the grass.

I found a man asleep in a large bed at the top of the house. He was sleeping, sleeping as soundly as if he was dead. This human being. Human being? What made him human? What made him any more human than I was?

I turned into him, felt my cells take his shape. Did that mean I was human now? No, I still didn't feel like it. I still felt like myself. Does that mean that I'm human then? Or am I missing something, something crucial I never knew I was missing. Am I only taking on the surface form of a human, while the rest of me doesn't change? Then I must become nothing, and become this human.

My body melted into a green-blue goo and I enveloped the man. He screamed as my cells tore him apart cell-by-cell, analyzing every structure, every shape, every nuance of every object. In seconds I was done. I was myself again—the boy Sai, in the man's pajamas. Beside me sat a block of red cells, the ground meat of a human that I didn't need, that I couldn't use. Nothing. There had been nothing in that man's cells. Blood had spilled over the ground, staining his bed and hte carpet of his floor and his pajamas and my hair, but he sat beside me, a block of useless, meaningless cells.

He had been a human, hadn't he? But his cells had showed me nothing, nothing I didn't already know. Did he not have it, then? Taht knowledge of what a human was. Would another human know? Did any human know? His cells had, how could his mind? That foolish, ridiculous thing Yako seemed to take such stock in. No… No how could he not know?! How could my question still be unanswered?!

What is it then, where will I find it? When? Must I be in torment forever, wondering what I am, knowing I will never find it?

I returned to Yako's house, leaving the block of useless cells where I had found them. Cells without answer, now cells without life. What makes a human a human? Will I ever be one? Was I ever one? When will I learn what I am?


	8. Entry 8 : Truths

Entry 8

.. 5 Months

I've killed and torn up about six humans now. I don't watch TV anymore; I have no interest in the politics or events of the humans. All I want to know is what makes a human a human; I know that if I look deeply enough into their cells, I'll learn what critical thing it is I'm missing. Or that I have and they do not.

Yako's been busy as well, rushed around by school and Neuro. I haven't seen him in weeks, and it's been hurting me almost as much as my uncertainty with my own composition. When I'm around Neuro, the pain of not knowing what I am goes away. Just a little bit, but just enough. Around Neuro I know I am not the only one who is not human, who lives among them, pretending to be one of them. I see the pretenses that hide me hiding Neuro as well, whenever I turn into the best friend of my sister or he acts like an intelligence-impaired assistant whenever a client for Yako comes in. Around him, I feel like there's someone there with me.

I want to cut Neuro open and look inside him. I want to see what his cells are, how they can be different from mine and different from the humans at the same time. I know that he and I are not the same thing. But I wish I knew what he was, as well—I'm sure it will be a key to what I am. Neuro, I'm sure I will find myself within you.

Yako came home today and dropped tiredly onto the couch. She looked exhausted. I looked at her, thinking about her and what she'd done for me. She'd taken me in, but with what motives? What was she to me, really? She still smiled at me like nothing had happened since I had first woken up, like nothing had changed in me. What was I like before I had woken up? Did she even know me then? Were we siblings? Did she know I had changed? My life was all questions, now, it seemed.

Shortly after she fell to the couch and said hi to me her cell phone rang. She ignored it because she was too tired. The ringing stopped, splitting the silence in the room, and suddenly the phone flipped upon and an enormous, monstrous hand reached out of the phone and grabbed Yako's head.

"Come to the agency," Neuro's voice said through the speakers, the deep voice he had when he was being serious and not hiding behind any of his pretenses. Excitement filled my body. Neuro! Hearing his voice filled me with excitement and joy. Neuro, the other one like me. I got greedy just at the sound of his voice. I wanted to see him again, be near him again. "Bring Sai with you." The hand rushed back into the phone and there was silence once more in the room.

I jumped from the back of the chair I had perched myself on and landed lithely on my feet.

"Come on," I said, reaching out for Yako's hand but taking it away before she could touch it. "Neuro wants us. We shouldn't keep him waiting." Yako moaned tiredly but stood up. She didn't know why I was in such a hurry. She thought it was because if we took too long Neuro would torture us—this was true as far as she was concerned, but it wasn't the case for me. I wanted to see him. I wanted to be next to him again, by the monster so much like me again. I didn't want to keep him waiting—I didn't want to keep me waiting, either.

I've never moved that quickly in my life. Always skipping ahead, having to go back to Yako who was walking so slowly. I couldn't wait to see Neuro again. Neuro, who made me feel so comfortable.

We finally got to the agency after what seemed an eternity and a half. When we walked in, the TV was on, but paused—Neuro had decided to buy a new DVR system for the television so he could record interviews of Yako with the press and torture her with them at a later date.

I saw Neuro, and my body filled with excitement. There he was. Towering over me, that smug face, those green eyes that glowed with malice and power and intelligence. Neuro, it's so good to see you again.

Yako shuffled in the door behind me, too tired to even notice that I was hopping up and down minisculely. I shed the form of Yako's best friend and appeared as myself again, a small boy with light gray hair, two braids, and loose pajama-like clothing. This wasn't really myself, though that was what I called it. It was the form I identified with the most, though there was no true identity in it. My "default". Was it really me?

Maybe Neuro would know.

"What do you want, Neuro?" Yako asked tiredly, walking past me and slumping onto a couch. Neuro smiled evilly, and I felt the same smile pull over my face. He smirked to himself and looked at the frozen television.

"You seem to be busy lately, you louse," Neuro said, glaring out of the corner of his eyes at Yako. She nodded exhaustedly. "You haven't been watching TV have you?" She shook her head. He smiled to himself. "Too bad, or else you would have seen this."

He clicked the button on the remote control and it started to play. I leapt onto the back of the couch and perched there. It was the news—I recognized the anchorman and anchorwoman, though I couldn't remember their names. I had turned into both of them several times. Neither of them had made me feel human, either. Maybe I should examine their bodies next.

The ticker at the bottom showed that the recording had been for two hours before. What had been so important that Neuro had recorded it? Beyond mysteries, what interest did Neuro have in the humans' happenings?

"—after three months of silence, Kaitou Sai has returned," the female anchor said suddenly. I looked at the television and really watched it now. A phantom thief with my name? Yako bolted up as if she'd been bitten and stared at the television with her big eyes. "A sixth box has been found today in a residential home in the Kanto area. The victim was a forty year-old man named Yarahashi Miramoto.

When Yarahashi-san did not show up for work today after a spotless record, his boss decided to call the police and, upon searching they house, they found the box shortly after. Although the bodies were not found in clear boxes, the victim was found as a block of… meat… and there is little doubt in the authorities' minds that this is the work of Kaitou Sai, returned once again."

My eyes had widened and widened as she spoke. They knew? They knew it was me? They knew that this boy named Sai was the one killing people and tossing their useless cells aside? My name… they even had my name attached?!

Neuro turned the TV off.

"Sai!" Yako shouted in dismay, wheeling on me. "Why did you do this?!" My mind was torn between denying her accusation and just giving her a straight answer. She already knew it was me. The TV people already knew that I was a killer of humans. They knew, and I hadn't shown them my face or told them my name once.

"How do you know it's me?" I demanded, my voice cold. She recoiled and bit her lower lip. There's something more here. I've seen it before, their chases on the TV as they hunt a murderer. Back before I started to doubt what I was, when my composition wasn't what consumed my thoughts. They never knew that quickly. They never had a name that quickly. But they knew me.

I stood up, glaring down at her.

"How do you know it's me?! How do they know my name?" I heard it again, in my head. The report that Kaitou Sai—me—was back after a three month hiatus. Three months. I had started tearing bodies apart two months ago, when this so called "hiatus" would have ended. Three months before that… I don't know. I didn't have memories.

Pieces clicked, and a sharp sword of bone burst out of my arm and curled over my hand.

"Who was I before I lost my memories? What am I? You know—don't you? What happened the day I lost my memories? You were there, weren't you?" I looked at both of them, glaring. Everything I doubted… My memories… Even now the ones I had from before seemed so thin, like smoke wafting away. They were thick, clear within the last couple of weeks, but near the beginning, when I woke up… I can't remember a thing. When was the first time I left the apartment? What did I feel? I don't know. I don't remember.

"Sai—" Yako started, but Neuro interrupted her.

"Your little experiment is over, Yako. His time as your pet is through." Neuro, I knew you'd tell me. I knew you'd know. My memories, the time before… I'd never cared so much before. You know, of course you do. You know everything, Neuro. Everything about me. You know what I am, too, don't you? I know it, Neuro. I knew it. Neuro, Neuro…

"What am I, Neuro. You know." Neuro shrugged nonchalantly and sat on the edge of his red desk.

"You're a mystery, Sai," he said. "Even I do not know what you are. But unlike you, I know what you were before you lost your memories." He smirked as my face grew to one of cold need—he knew what I had been? I knew it! I knew it, Neuro!

"What was I?!" I demanded. He smirked at the childish way my voice cracked as I screamed. Neuro… you make me feel like such a child. You're amazing Neuro, I'm so happy I met you. You make me feel so powerless. It makes me want to tear you apart and take all of your power for myself. Then I'll be the strongest person in the world again—just like I felt I was until I met you. The humans have nothing on me, Neuro, nothing on us. You and I… there can't be two most powerful beings, can there? I want to see your cells, Neuro. I want to know what makes you you—I don't care what you are, that you aren't human. I've already decided that I'm not human, so I don't need to try and be that. I don't need to be something, just to know what I am—and Neuro, I'll become whatever you are. I'll rip apart your cells and read them like Yako's textbooks, learning everything there is to learn about you. I'll be whatever you are, Neuro, and I'm sure it'll feel right. We're the same, Neuro. We're the same.

"First off, your name isn't Sai," he said. I could tell the only reason he was telling me this was so he could enjoy the destruction of my world. I could see it in his cruel smirk, in the demonic glint in his eye. But he didn't know—he didn't know that I had already destroyed my world long ago, that all I needed was the information Neuro could give me to build it back up and find my place in it. "You are the Phantom Thief X, the bane of the human existence. You're famous for how you tear apart your victim and shove their body in a box." Yako looked horrified that Neuro was telling me all of this, but she didn't have the strength to tell him to stop. Poor, weak little Yako. She could never stand up to beings like Neuro or I. Poor, pathetic little human. Neuro saw how I had glanced at her and his smirk grew larger. "Yako isn't your older sister—you are half-siblings, but you are older than she is." I knew it, I had known it for a long time. But we're half-siblings? I will admit I hadn't expected that—I could feel that Yako and I weren't what she said, but we still shared a parent? And I was older than her? But I looked so much younger… But what do looks care to a being who can change his appearance and gender and face and hair and eyes and structure with a whim?

"How old am I?" I demanded.

"By the theory we've all but proven, twenty years-old." I had not expected this number, but I was not surprised. I looked young, but felt like I had always been, like I had always seen time. I couldn't remember it, but I had always been there, tormented by the question of what I am. "After witnessing the gruesome murder of your mother, you grew desperate to kill—the fact that you could change your body made you wonder what you are." Neuro, you're amazing. You know—you know everything about me, all of these things that have been tormenting me. I knew it. I knew it, Neuro. "You came to Japan and killed Yako's father trying to learn more about your mother—you killed your own father that night, as well." My father. I couldn't remember him, couldn't think of what he might have looked like. I had killed him. This didn't sadden me. This didn't surprise me. I'm a monster, and monsters don't have parents.

"Every six months my memories start themselves over," I continued. This I could feel, this was what had been creeping over my mind the last couple of weeks. I could feel it, now. In one month, no time at all, my memories will erase themselves, and my body will be torn apart through agony as everything I've built myself and my world on crumbles to pieces beneath my feet. "Not again… I don't want to lose my memories again!" My hands drug at my hair, clawing at it. The pain… I could feel the pain just thinking about it. The terror of losing who I was—again. The pain of losing everything I'd fought to gain, this smoke-and-mirrors identity. This was why I couldn't have an identity—I had no memories to build a self off of. No face, no parents, no past. There was nothing to make me me.

I screamed loudly, making Yako flinch. Neuro just stood there. Neuro, that damn sentinel of everything I wanted to be. Strong, like I was, different, but relishing in that difference. Damn you, Neuro, damn you! What the hell gets to make you you while I have to wallow in this fucking ignorance?!

"When I forgot… when I forgot…" I started. My mind was breaking—breaking in my own anguish. Words wouldn't come—nothing but pain.

"That's right," Neuro agreed. "Yako just couldn't let me destroy you and allow you to die like you begged me. Even though you killed her father, she demanded to take you with us and save you from the temple crashing down around our heads. She thought she could raise you as a human, to ignore everything that made you you. That worked so well, ne, Yako?" He smiled evilly at her and she went bright red. My hysterical laughter cut through this tender little moment.

"Human? What makes me me? Don't you get it?! I'm neither of these things!" I stared at both of them, my eyes wide. Nothing, nothing… I am nothing… "I'm not human! Can a human do this?!" I switched through every form, every shape I could remember. Men, women, animals, children… "My" words came out of their mouths, their voices screaming and breaking with "my" own laments. "Who am I?! Am I a boy, am I a girl?! A child, an adult?! What am I?! What color was my skin, how long was my hair?" African, Japanese, American, German, every color slipped from "my" skin, the pigment boiling beneath the surface. I skipped from boy to girl to boy to girl. Neither felt right, neither felt wrong. "What am I?! How can there be a 'me' if I have nothing to build myself off of?! No experiences, no memories, no face, no name! What the hell am 'I'?! How the hell can you decide what I am?!"

"Sai!" Yako cried out, her voice anguished and scared. Her voice cut through the pain and made me double up, my eyes still closed tight, my muscles screaming. Sai… I'm not Sai. I'm just a… thing. Not even a "person", not even a "boy". What am I? How can I know if I don't have memories? Yako… was she trying to help me through kindness or pity? Through her own selfish desire to take care of her "brother" or because she didn't want to see me in this pain? Because when I woke up the next time she wanted to still be there, to help me try and live?

That's why Yako made me keep this damn stupid thing! She knew I would lose my memories again from the very first day. She knew that my world would break apart and I would once again become nothing. But this "journal" piece of shit would be a record—a source of identity for me. Ha! Maybe I could have kept this set of smoke-and-mirrors up, but I could always just erect a new one. What the hell were you thinking you could make me, Yako? Just like you? Some pathetic human who lived a life drowning in monotony? I wish, Yako. I wish. I don't want this pain. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of this pain, just make it all end…


End file.
